The Dildos and Dogs

Go ye and read this if you're wondering what the fuck this is.

There's some big liberties being taken with the source here. In the original, it's General Buggeranthus who recounts the second-hand confession of a random woman he's encountered who once tried it on with a horse. I figured it would work better attached to an actual character; also, in the world of musicals a female triplet like this pretty much demands a number in which they giggle girlishly... or a parody thereof.

*

"The Dildos and Dogs"

[Enter VAGINA, LABIA and CLITORIX.]

VAGINA
O, we've gone to the dildos and dogs
Cause the dildos and dogs never fail.

LABIA
O, we've gone to the dildos and dogs
I saw Clitorix frig with a doberman's tail.

CLITORIX
But I did it with no small remorse,
For the dildos and dogs fill a crack
But I once had a fling with a horse.
And once you've gone pony there's no going back.

He was standing sadly with his cart;
Such a miserable yoke he wore
His sorrowful eyes near broke my heart;
And his back was all covered in sores.
I pitied his pain,
I scratched his mane
But one of us wanted more.

VAGINA/LABIA
O, we've gone to the dildos and dogs
Cause the dildos and dogs never cheat.
O, we've gone to the dildos and dogs
But a horse would, of course, be a sumptuous treat.

CLITORIX
With a start his tarse began to stand,
Such a pintle beyond compare.
I fondled it gently in my hand,
Decided to play his mare.
I turned myself round
And guided it down.
I figured I'd room to spare.

VAGINA/LABIA
O, we've gone to the dildos and dogs
Cause the dildos and dogs never lie.
But there's more than the dildos and dogs

CLITORIX
Though a horse can, of course, be a little bit shy.

He was bashful with a girl like me
For his faithfulness was such
He was loyal to a fault, you see;
He'd have only his mistress's touch.
I had to depart,
With a broken heart
For he kept pulling out of my clutch

ALL
O, we've gone to the dildos and dogs
Cause the dildos and dogs aren't cruel.
O, we've gone to the dildos and dogs
Cause intelligent creatures are ever the fool.

So we frig and fiddle with what we find,
With anything we can stand.
We hey diddle diddle with what we find
As we wander this woeful land.
Our hungry cunts
Are on the hunt
For whatever comes next to hand.
A dildo, a dog,
Or even a frog,
Whatever comes next to hand.