All Things Under Heaven

My mind is a sewer. Yes, it is. My mind is a fricking sewer. Say the words "Sodom! The Musical" to it, and it proceeds to rewrite The Farce of Sodom and make it even more sordid. Cause, you know, Rochester -- assuming the attribution to Rochester is correct -- just didn't go far enough, not without at least a nod to felching.

Oh well. For those of you debauched enough to join me in my bawdy Broadway reimagining of this Restoration depravity, this song actually follows on directly from the first post, in which King Bollox is introduced with his Pimpmaster General, Borastus, and his favourite catamite, Puckanello, for the rousing opening number, "With My Prick I Will Govern the Land". Which you'll note has been updated with a little staging. If you happen to have perused the original, by the way, you might also note I've cut the characters of Pene and Tooly both there and in the following. I may see if I can bring them back into the story later on -- assuming common sense doesn't kick in and tear me away from trying to write a musical that makes Jerry Springer: The Opera look tame -- but I figured there was a tighter dynamic to be got from just the king, his pimp and his bitchboi. So I'm taking liberties with a libertine's licentiousness. Is that ironic or just apt?

Anyways, yeah, if you have a shred of a sense of propriety, probably best to stop reading now. Otherwise... that opening scene carries on thusly:

*

"All Things Under Heaven"

[BOLLOX beckons BORATUS and PUCKANELLO aside. Music begins in a salsa rhythm.]

    BOLLOX:
All you who counsel me...
My loyal fellows...

    BORASTUS
Borastus here, your grace!

    PUCKANELLO
Your Puckanello!

    BOLLOX:
Between the three of us,
Can I be blunt?
Between the three of us,
I'm bored with cunts.

It seems I've lost my fire.

    BORASTUS:
For all the cunts you once admired?

    BOLLOX
I've lost my fire.

    PUCKENELLO:
Such drudgery could kill desire.

    BOLLOX
I've lost my fire.

    BORASTUS:
For arse, your grace, you never tire.

    BOLLOX:
I've lost my fire for fucking cunts! pussies! twats! oh-oh-yeah!
I'm going back to buttocks and I'm giving up the snatch.

My joy in virgin cunts, to that I'll hold,
With some small fondness for the very old.
And in my absence dildos may be used
With cream of goatsmilk with some cum infused.
But now the shaven cunt of womankind's my very last resort, oh-oh-yeah!
The merkins just keep rubbing off and spoiling my sport.

    PUCKENELLO:
Let all the merkins, sire,
From this day forth,
Be burned upon the pyre
Or banned from court.
Who wants to fuck a thatch
Dry as a twig?
It isn't right that snatch
Should wear a wig.

    BOLLOX:
As for my queen, her cunt no more invites,
Clad in the filth of her most nasty whites.
Borastus, it's your job to bring me arse.

    BORASTUS:
The choice of buggers, sire, is kinda sparse.
I would advise your grace to make another happy pass, oh-oh-yeah,
At Puckenello's puckered little sphincter in his ass.

[BORASTUS clicks his fingers and PUCKANELLO twirls to centre-stage, strikes a pose. BORASTUS moves in behind, slips his hands into PUCKANELLO's open shirt. PUCKANELLO grinds.]

You can't deny your lust;
So soft a skin
Would tempt a saint to thrust

[Hands dropping to PUCKANELLO's hips, he mimes a hard thrust.]

His pintle in.

[A spank on the arse sends PUCKANELLO in the direction of BOLLOX, where he proceeds to come on like the world's horniest power-bottom.]

    PUCKANELLO:
When last, my lord,
You gave me leave
To let my gentle hand
Your glans unsheathe,

[From behind, he grasps BOLLOX's cock through trousers, then whirls the king round, spinning himself to reverse positions.]

You moved it to my arse,
And with a little shove it fit
Into my arse,
Far better than a hand and spit,
And with my arse
I did the deed, I didn't quit
Till in my arse I felt you spurt! spunk! squelch! oh-oh-yeah!
You must recall your empty balls and all that cum to felch.

[They dance now, salsa-style.]

    BOLLOX:
Your payout's put me in some deep arrears.
So let's get working while my schedule's clear,
And for a mate I'll take you with my staff.
Your pretty arse shall be my better half.

[BOLLOX strips off PUCKANELLO's shirt, tosses it to BORASTUS.]

    PUCKENELLO:
That better half, my lord, although it's blind,
Will hope to be, my lord, loyal and kind.
Ain't nothing I want more than that your Puckenello's arse
May win the royal favour gushing from your royal tarse.

[BOLLOX spins PUCKANELLO away from him, whipping his trousers off, stripper-style.]

    BOLLOX:
With Puckanello then
I'll have a touch.

[PUCKANELLO dances back, drops to his knees before BOLLOX and starts undoing his trousers.]

    PUCKENELLO
Oh lord, you honour me
Oh, way too much!

[BORASTUS clicks his fingers and naked heralds dance onstage. He takes BOLLOX's ermined robe and hands it off to them.]

It means the world to me
To earn your trust,
To be the heraldry
To royal lust.

[BORASTUS pulls down the king's trousers, and BOLLOX steps out of them, naked. The heralds raise PUCKANELLO up, legs spread, arms thrown wide.]

And now I'm truly blest!
Your will is heavenly caress.
I'm truly blest!
Unworthy, but I'll do my best.
I'm truly blest!
I don't deserve your tenderness.
I'm truly blest if you will fuck! Puck! raw! -- oh-oh-yeah!

[He drops backwards, into the heralds' hands, who lay his supine form before a kneeling BOLLOX, place a heel on each shoulder.]

Hard and fast and fuck that ass like Sodom never saw!

    BOLLOX:
All those who pleasure me I will repay.
Sweet land of liberty, this happy day,
Let buggery be loosed across the land,
So cunt is not abused by any man.
To north, south, east and west, indulgence shall be given
In Sodom's eyes to sodomise all things under heaven!

    ALL
All things under heaven!
All things under heaven!
All things under heaven!
All things under heaven!

[Exeunt BORASTUS and heralds. Sodomy ensues.]