Notes from New Sodom

... rantings, ravings and ramblings of strange fiction writer, THE.... Sodomite Hal Duncan!!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Les Goots of Virtuoso

Go ye and read this if you're wondering what the fuck this is.

Yes, Virtuoso has become something of a shameless rip-off of Pirelli from Sweeney Todd... except with an accent mashing up French, German, Italian and Spanish. I figure he's trying to be "cosmopolitan."

*

"Les Goots of Virtuoso"

[Scene: The streets of Sodom. VIRTUOSO stands outside his dildo shop. Enter VAGINA, LABIA and CLITORIX. A tango beat begins.]

VAGINA:
Were Officina here she would aver
The title of Grand Cunt belongs to her.

LABIA
It's true her cunt can take a double fist.

CLITORIX:
She has as tight a cunt as ever pissed.

That mighty orifice of Nature's mirth
Has given fun, but never given birth.
As Vagina here avows,
Birth will make your cunt a cow's.

VAGINA:
So will dildos of a satisfying girth.

[VIRTUOSO perks up at this, comes out to give his sales pitch.]

VIRTUOSO
Madomes, les goots of Virtuoso
Are virtuous in oh so
Mucho variantal fashoñs
Madomes, the Virtuoso's dildos
Are indestructabildo,
Goot for multiplicket bashongs

Madomes, a woman musta shout
Por pintle steeff und stout
Werkin cunt she wanna prick.
Cunt she wanna daily fooking
Bullocks hourly to be sooking
Oh, un oliphauntine dick!

[Brings out an enormous dildo.]

If she no let it out,
If she no let it in,
Her coney go exploso!
If der damoiselles is stück
Mit a husband likes a book,
Look! Les goots of Virtuoso!

VAGINA:
You boast about your art.
It isn't worth a fart.
This dildo, it is sagging!

LABIA:
The muzzle is too small.

CLITORIX:
Not long enough at all.

VAGINA:
Virtuoso, you are bragging!

VIRTUOSO:
Madomes, allow un demonstrazzion
Of der philosophicazzion,
Mein inventional intentions.
Madomes, gratifactions I'm attestive
Por vagina most ingestive
Und arrestive of erections.

If you no let it out,
If you no let it in,
Your coney go exploso!
Signorita's cunt is cold?
Por der signor is too old?
Behold! Les goots of Virtuoso!

LABIA:
Why would Virtuoso bring
Such a bauble of a thing?

CLITORIX
Perhaps its modeled on his own.

LABIA:
Hardly half a virgin's span,
Should be twice an average man's.

VAGINA:
Give it here, the truth be known!

[Takes the dildo.]

LABIA/CLITORIX
If you don't fill it out,
If you don't fill it in,

VIRTUOSO:
Your money no disposo!
Por madomes a gratis trial
And der prick originial
You'll porsake por Virtuoso!

CLITORIX:
If you would have the grace
To let me take your place.
I'll give a wiser ruling.
More pricks have I enjoyed.
I've even used more toys.
I've had a lot more schooling.

[Takes the dildo from VAGINA.]

VAGINA:
If you would claim your due
Seniority is true
But you should be the gracious
Your property was safe
While mine spat out a waif
So my estate's more spacious.

[Takes the dildo from CLITORIX.]

VIRTUOSO
If you no let it out,
If you no let it in,
Your coney go exploso!
    (beckoning at CLITORIX:)
Les fraulien fookt by staff!
    (beckoning at VAGINA:)
Les fraulien fookt by calf!
Haff... les goots of Virtuoso!

LABIA:
So plump and lily-white—

CLITORIX:
So jauntily upright.

VAGINA:
Had I a prick like this.
His will I would obey
And every cunt would pay
A tribute to my bliss!

[VAGINA starts frigging with the dildo.]

LABIA
So stiff and oh so rough!

CLITORIX
But is it long enough?

VAGINA:
Give me the time to tell

CLITORIX:
I'll watch until my fancy
Satisfies my cunt's demands--

VAGINA:
He makes his dildos rather well.

VIRTUOSO
If you no let it out,
If you no let it in,
Your coney go exploso!
Satisfazzion guarantie!
Primo dildos make you cry
Buy les goots of Virtuoso!

VIRTUOSO:
Madomes, you want it in der hand?
Le power und command?
Iss a stupendulous surprise!
Madomes, you frig me mit your eyes.
My prick begin to rise

VAGINA:
Virtuoso take your prize!

[Takes him by the prick]

My cunt would give this joy to you,
More than eyes could ever do,
For the way you fill my soul.
I'll give you every prince's treasure
And every pauper's leisure,
Put your prick into my hole!

[She unbuttons his trousers, takes his cock out.]

VIRTUOSO
If I no let it out,
If I no let it in,
My cockerel go exploso!
All der ladies ai ai ai!
Finest yard they effer try!
So-o-o-oh, oh-o-oh, oh-o-oh!

[He ejaculates.]

Oh noes.

[He looks down at the semen on the ground.]

See les oops of Virtuoso.

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