Cardinal O'Brien on Craggy Isle
KEITH: Look, Dougal, remember what I told you... those handsome young men over there are far away. The ones over here are small. Far away... small. Far away... small.
DOUGAL: Gotcha, Keith.
KEITH: And why are they small, Dougal?
DOUGAL: Because they're midgets, Keith. They're sexy midgets.
KEITH: No, Dougal. Because they're boys. Jesus, Dougal, can ye not tell from the gym shorts?
DOUGAL: Sure and I thought they were just sporty sexy midgets. Or midget acrobats. They're quite bendy when ye get them--
KEITH: --No, Dougal. They're boys. And what don't we do with boys, Dougal?
DOUGAL: We don't tell their parents, Keith.
KEITH: That's right, Dougal--I mean, NO. No, we try not to touch them, Dougal.
DOUGAL: Pffft! Sure and we can try, Keith. But we're not very good at it, are we? Why, even yerself--
KEITH: --I've told ye before, Dougal. That hand was only resting on Father Peter's arse. And it's not the same; Father Peter's a grown man anyways.
DOUGAL: Sure and he's definitely not a midget, if ye know what I mean, Keith. He's quite sexy though, wouldn't ye say, Keith? You must've thought he was--
KEITH: Look, Dougal. Father Peter isn't the subject under discussion. Can ye just try and remember that the ones in the gym shorts are not sexy midgets?
DOUGAL: But what if they're not wearing gym shorts, Keith? I mean, if they're in the showers, Keith, how do I know they're not sexy midgets?
KEITH: Well, Dougal, the midgets would have hair on--NO, enough, Dougal. We shouldn't even be talking about this. Sodomy's a sin, Dougal; ye know that, don't ye... especially with young boys?
DOUGAL: Oh, yes, Keith. Sodomy's a sin.
KEITH: And ye know what sodomy is, Dougal?
DOUGAL: Oh, yes, Keith.
KEITH: You remember the story of Sodom, Dougal? In the Bible.
DOUGAL: Sure, Keith. That's an amaaaaazing story.
KEITH: Ye know which story I'm talking about?
DOUGAL: Oh, yes, Keith. That's my favourite one.
KEITH: Are ye sure ye remember it, Dougal?
DOUGAL: How could I forget it, Keith? It's the best Bible story ever. Those two angels going undercover into Sodom, and killing all those bad people when they come for them. The way they shoot their way out at the end. [makes machinegun noises] When they're on the bus, and there's all the explosions!
KEITH: Dougal, I don't think that's the right--
DOUGAL: --And that bit where one angel pretends to be a baddie, and they're all sitting round the big table in the castle, and he has a notebook with all the names of the spy angels in it. Sure and it fools me every time, Keith. I always think he's secretly a baddie.
KEITH: Dougal, that's Where Eagles Dare. You're thinking of Sir Richard Burton in Where Eagles Dare.
DOUGAL: That's right, Keith. The Archangel Richard Burton. In Where Eagles Dare. That's an amaaaaaazing Bible story.
KEITH: Dougal, that's not a Bible story. It's about Nazis.
DOUGAL: But I thought we were Nazis, Keith. Like His Holiness.
KEITH: No, Dougal, that was the last Pope. And I've told ye before... priests aren't Nazis.
DOUGAL: But we wear black uniforms, Keith, just like the SS. And we hate the Jews and the homosexuals, don't we?
KEITH: No, Dougal, how many times do I have to tell ye? We hate the sin, not the sinner. You do understand that, don't you, Dougal?
DOUGAL: Oh, yes. Keith. Absolutely. Message received, loud and clear, Keith. Yes. I understand.
KEITH: Do, you really, Dougal?
DOUGAL: No, Keith.
KEITH: [sighs] Oh, what are we going to do with you, Dougal?
JACK: DRINK! FECK! ARSE! BOYS!
KEITH: And just you stay out of this, Father Jack! You're the last one to be speaking on the sin of sodomy.
JACK: FECK OFF!
Labels: Fuck This Shit