Notes from New Sodom

... rantings, ravings and ramblings of strange fiction writer, THE.... Sodomite Hal Duncan!!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

A Musical Interlude

So, I'm in the closing stretch with INK and don't really have time to blog much at the moment. As a stopgap, however, here's a wee musical number courtesy of my Inner Fairy, Puck and Jack, my very own Creature From The Id. For the tune take equal parts of "Wouldn't It Be Luverly?" from My Fair Lady and "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story. Add a dash of "O, What A Beautiful Morning" in the opening verse. Sprinkle liberally with whimsy.

SCENE: A gay night-spot somewhere in the Vellum (halfway along the Valley Of Broadway Musicals, to be precise). Enter FAST PUCK, shameless slut of a skatepunk hustler, and JACK FLASH, psychokiller secret agent and PUCK's main squeeze. PUCK gazes around at the crowd, hands on hips, eyeing up the talent.

(music begins slow)

PUCK

There's tall men and short men,
And average height.
There's fat men and skinny,
There's black and there's white.
There's red, brown and yellow,
Broad-shouldered and slight.
And all in this garden of earthly deliiiiight...

(next four lines build to crescendo)

O, I want a man...

JACK & OTHERS

I want a man...

PUCK

I want a man...

JACK & OTHERS

I want a man...

PUCK

O, I want a man tonight!

(main tune kicks in)

I want a man who has style and wit.
He's got to be charming.
He's got to be fit.
Handsome, intelligent... hopefully rich.
O, I want a man tonight!

JACK (speaking)

I have wit.

PUCK (speaking)

You have a straitjacket.

JACK (speaking)

What's your point?

PUCK

I want a man with his marbles intact -
Just for a change,
Someone less whacked.
A doctor, a lawyer, a dentist -

JACK

A Jack!

PUCK

O, I want a man tonight!

JACK (speaking)

What about -

PUCK (speaking)

Too hairy.

JACK (speaking)

Or -

PUCK (speaking)

Too bald.

JACK

Well, what are you looking for?.

PUCK

I want a man with blond hair and blue eyes,
As blond as the corn,
As blue as the skies,
Gazing adoringly up from my thighs.
O, I want a man tonight!

I want a man with a 28 waist,
A dancer, an acrobat,
Balance and grace,
To suck me and fuck me and sit on my face.
O, I want a man tonight!

JACK

You don't want much, just the moon on a stick.

PUCK

I just want love.

JACK

You just want dick.

PUCK

So sue me - or screw me, but best make it quick,
Cause I want a man tonight!

(break)

I know it's kind of corny
But I want some TLC.
I'm feeling oh so horny;
Fornication's calling me.

I want a man with eight inches at least.
Six is too little.
Ten is a feast.
I want a poet, a painter...

JACK

A priest?

PUCK

O, I want a man tonight!

(building)

O, I want a man...

JACK & OTHERS

I want a man...

PUCK

I want a man...

JACK & OTHERS

I want a man...

PUCK

I want a man; there's too many to choose!
Will it be him?
Will it be you?
This one or that one...

JACK & PUCK

Or why not the two?

PUCK

O, I want a man tonight!

(Instrumental dance sequence... with much girlish spinning, skipping and general flirty flightiness on PUCK's part, leading into JACK in Seven Brides For Seven Brothers stylee choreographed dance-off against PUCK's potential suitors. JACK, of course, outdances all of them, ending up down on one-knee in front of PUCK, arms out in "ta-da" pose. Music goes soft. PUCK gazes wistfully to the side.)

(tender, slowly)

I want a man who will love me forever.
Will he come soon?

JACK

Never say never.

PUCK

I want a man who... ah, fuck it! Whatever!
I want a man...

JACK & OTHERS

I want a man...

PUCK

I want a man...

ALL

I want a man...

PUCK

I want a man...

ALL

Toniiiiiiiight!

JACK (speaking)

So how about a threesome?

PUCK (speaking)

Now that's what I call a plan.

11 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh dear goodness, but that's pant-wettingly funny.

Nice one, hombre.

bert finkle

6:08 pm  
Blogger Paul F Cockburn said...

You do realise that, now, I'd love to see the whole musical!

6:35 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey there, Hal!

Collen from Del Rey (your U.S. publicist here) -- Man, i nearly snarfed up a lung reading that one...can you PLEASE write the whole musical???????

10:31 pm  
Blogger Christopher Barzak said...

This so reminded me of a chapter in Joyce's Ulysses, the one that is written mostly in the style of a play. The Circe chapter, I believe it was. Very kewl stuff. ;-)

10:57 am  
Blogger taleswapper said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:54 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, but he HAS written the whole musical already, Collen... Phil

11:24 pm  
Anonymous mandy said...

The first thing I read on the campus computer and it has to be one of his filthy fantasys! Unfortunately I may now have a hernia because cackling like a loon would have me flung out of the silent sanctity of GUL!

5:21 pm  
Anonymous mandy said...

And just out of curiousity do your parents read this :)! My mother would kill me!

5:24 pm  
Blogger Deanna Hoak said...

Hi, Hal. I'm a copy editor and don't actually know you. That was incredibly funny, though, and I thought I'd let you know I enjoyed it. :-)

12:38 am  
Blogger Hal Duncan said...

Heh. Thanks all. Glad ye liked it. To answer specific questions / points:

Paul / Coleen / Phil: Yes. This scene's actually just a throw-away one-off, but I do have a full libretto for Nowhere Town: A Punkass Musical, in which Jack Flash descends into Hell in search of his long-lost true love, Puck -- sort of a gay punk Orpheus story. I may post some of it here, seeing as folks seem to have liked this one. Alternatively, just get me drunk at a con and ask me to sing "Tango For The Dead". But be prepared to provide dramatic Dum! Dara dum dum! Dum! Dara dum dum! tango beat accompaniment.

Mandy: Well, my Dad does (Hi, Dad!), but he has a sense of humour.

Deanna: Cheers and Hi!

4:59 pm  
Blogger Colin said...

Hal, that's PURE FREDDIE F*CKING MERCURY. Not David Bowie. It almost even fits the tune to "Bohemian Rhapsody"...

11:17 am  

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