A Musical Interlude

So, I'm in the closing stretch with INK and don't really have time to blog much at the moment. As a stopgap, however, here's a wee musical number courtesy of my Inner Fairy, Puck and Jack, my very own Creature From The Id. For the tune take equal parts of "Wouldn't It Be Luverly?" from My Fair Lady and "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story. Add a dash of "O, What A Beautiful Morning" in the opening verse. Sprinkle liberally with whimsy.

SCENE: A gay night-spot somewhere in the Vellum (halfway along the Valley Of Broadway Musicals, to be precise). Enter FAST PUCK, shameless slut of a skatepunk hustler, and JACK FLASH, psychokiller secret agent and PUCK's main squeeze. PUCK gazes around at the crowd, hands on hips, eyeing up the talent.

(music begins slow)

PUCK

There's tall men and short men,
And average height.
There's fat men and skinny,
There's black and there's white.
There's red, brown and yellow,
Broad-shouldered and slight.
And all in this garden of earthly deliiiiight...

(next four lines build to crescendo)

O, I want a man...

JACK & OTHERS

I want a man...

PUCK

I want a man...

JACK & OTHERS

I want a man...

PUCK

O, I want a man tonight!

(main tune kicks in)

I want a man who has style and wit.
He's got to be charming.
He's got to be fit.
Handsome, intelligent... hopefully rich.
O, I want a man tonight!

JACK (speaking)

I have wit.

PUCK (speaking)

You have a straitjacket.

JACK (speaking)

What's your point?

PUCK

I want a man with his marbles intact -
Just for a change,
Someone less whacked.
A doctor, a lawyer, a dentist -

JACK

A Jack!

PUCK

O, I want a man tonight!

JACK (speaking)

What about -

PUCK (speaking)

Too hairy.

JACK (speaking)

Or -

PUCK (speaking)

Too bald.

JACK

Well, what are you looking for?.

PUCK

I want a man with blond hair and blue eyes,
As blond as the corn,
As blue as the skies,
Gazing adoringly up from my thighs.
O, I want a man tonight!

I want a man with a 28 waist,
A dancer, an acrobat,
Balance and grace,
To suck me and fuck me and sit on my face.
O, I want a man tonight!

JACK

You don't want much, just the moon on a stick.

PUCK

I just want love.

JACK

You just want dick.

PUCK

So sue me - or screw me, but best make it quick,
Cause I want a man tonight!

(break)

I know it's kind of corny
But I want some TLC.
I'm feeling oh so horny;
Fornication's calling me.

I want a man with eight inches at least.
Six is too little.
Ten is a feast.
I want a poet, a painter...

JACK

A priest?

PUCK

O, I want a man tonight!

(building)

O, I want a man...

JACK & OTHERS

I want a man...

PUCK

I want a man...

JACK & OTHERS

I want a man...

PUCK

I want a man; there's too many to choose!
Will it be him?
Will it be you?
This one or that one...

JACK & PUCK

Or why not the two?

PUCK

O, I want a man tonight!

(Instrumental dance sequence... with much girlish spinning, skipping and general flirty flightiness on PUCK's part, leading into JACK in Seven Brides For Seven Brothers stylee choreographed dance-off against PUCK's potential suitors. JACK, of course, outdances all of them, ending up down on one-knee in front of PUCK, arms out in "ta-da" pose. Music goes soft. PUCK gazes wistfully to the side.)

(tender, slowly)

I want a man who will love me forever.
Will he come soon?

JACK

Never say never.

PUCK

I want a man who... ah, fuck it! Whatever!
I want a man...

JACK & OTHERS

I want a man...

PUCK

I want a man...

ALL

I want a man...

PUCK

I want a man...

ALL

Toniiiiiiiight!

JACK (speaking)

So how about a threesome?

PUCK (speaking)

Now that's what I call a plan.