Notes from New Sodom

... rantings, ravings and ramblings of strange fiction writer, THE.... Sodomite Hal Duncan!!

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Weird Habits Meme

So La Gringa has tagged me with one of those evil meme things. The rules?

Five weird habits. Post them, then tag five others to do the same.

1. I twiddle my hair constantly, gathering it into locks and twirling them round a finger. Have done since I was a kid (when I played with the hair on top of me head so much I'd be told that I'd make myself bald if I kept doing that). Do so even more now that it's long (and hangs down in front of my face, right there in front of me, just begging to be twirled). Fuck it; I only grew my moustache and goatee to give my fingers more hair to play with.

2. I rail against the Swiss with utter venom and hatred with little need for incitement. There are those who will tell you that this is not serious, that it is merely an amusing affectation or a form of "sacrificial prejudice" (whereby one picks an arbitrary hate-figure that no rational mind could reasonably justify hating, thereby focusing all potential bigotry towards a singular and ultimately silly straw man, ensuring that you are yourself quite aware of just how nonsensical such prejudice is). This is not true. Let's face it. Hoarders of Nazi gold... who didn't give women the vote till 1971... who decided that, when the rest of the world had pegged Hitler for a megalomaniac madman bent on world domination, they'd just, you know, give him the benefit of the doubt... all of them armed... with their cuckoo clocks which are clearly a form of torture... their Tobleron designed to break your teeth... I see through their evil schemes. You know every one of those cuckoo clocks sold to tourists is a time-bomb. Just wait for it, I tell you, wait for X-Day, when they all hit the specified time and EXPLODE all across the world. The Swiss banks lock down. Society collapses and when we're crawling through the rubble, you know, that's when they air-drop the Toblerone... then we'll be crawling through the rubble WITH NO FRONT TEETH. How we gonna stand up to them then, eh? When they come pouring out of their mountain strongholds, everyone of them armed to the teeth and trained to be a supersoldiering KILLING MACHINE by their National Service. You can laugh now, but mark my words, those Alpie goat-fiddlers will have you laughing out of the other side of the mouth when they make their move!

3. Occasionally, when drunk, I will impersonate a monkey. To be fair, it's actually part monkey, part chimp, part bonobo, all of which any right-thinking primatophile should know the bloody difference between. However, once I have entered "monkey mode", any concerns about such taxonomic trivialities are irrelevant. I WANT BANANAS! Or as Kanzi would put it:

Banana banana me me me me banana banana banana me want want want banana!

I will thereupon: clamber on top of chairs, pound table-tops with slack-armed fists and shriek loudly in the absence of bananas; go on stooped, arm-dangling, shuffling expeditions in search of bananas; peer mournfully/quizzically in the windows of shops where embarassed friends are trying to ignore my monkey gesticulations as they purchase tobacco, crisps and other sundry goodies (but not bananas); give my happy-chimp grin (mouth wide, bottom teeth bared, upper teeth covered by top lip) when presented with a banana; reward banana-giving benefactor with a good nit-removal / grooming session to demonstrate my banana-inspired cupboard love.

4. Having no memory to speak of whatsoever (it's all RAM, I say, no ROM -- processing power, you know?), I will generally answer "Was it more than a minute ago?" to any question which begins with the words "Do you remember...?". I cannot remember how this habit came about.

5. I always wash the taps (faucets, for US-ians out there) in the process of washing my hands, on the anal/OCD logic that having just handled aforesaid taps in the turning-on, any germs on my hands will have cunningly leapt from my hands to those taps and will, with Machiavellian malevolance, then simply leap back onto my hands in the turning-off, thus rendering said hand-washing entirely futile.

So there you go... my five weird habits. I'm not gonna tag five others, cause I'm an anti-chain-letter kinda guy but if any of the GSFWC read this and can be bothered, well, put a link in the comments.


Blogger clindsay said...

Hey there!

You also neglected to mention that you occasionallly belt out songs from the Rocky Horror Picture Show after a pint or two.

Oh,and the washing the taps thing? I do that too. :-)

3:00 am  
Blogger MJ said...

You forgot your pechant for "entertaining" us all with "Born Free", when pissed, especially your pechant for "serenading" me on the odd occasion with THAT SONG I WAS NAMED AFTER. My mum will now take it upon herself to add to this if she hooks up from my own blog. DAMN!

You clean the taps - hehehe!

7:43 pm  
Blogger paul f cockburn said...

I don't see what's weird about speaking ill of those cheese-poking, goat-fiddling Alpie swine and their evil, sharp chocolate!

Washing the taps afterwards - doesn't everyone do that?

9:07 pm  
Blogger paul f cockburn said...

Another reason to hate those damn Alpie swine - who have been guarding the Pope for the last five hundred years, eh?

9:10 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn. Paul beat me to it with the Pope thing. Anyway, just to get the Catholics on board, they do it badly - the last one got shot. Oh, yeah - and Calvin was Swiss, wasn't he? That guy messed up Scottish heads big time. It's Burns Night - here's to 'Holy Willie's Prayer'!

9:32 pm  

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